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McSWEENEY’S INTERNET TENDENCY’S PATREON

December 17, 2020

Posted by u/KarenInCana 2,100 years ago

(Throwaway account so my husband’s cousin’s weird followers don’t pile on me later.)

So I (23f) planned this really gorgeous wedding in Cana, Galilee at a hall that’s usually impossible to book (the waitlist is longer than the last census of Quirinius!), but I got the local centurions to do me a favor so we not only got the place but at half price! I was kind of down because of Herod’s recent massacres, so I just wanted everyone to have a great time — you know, dancing, drinking, maybe a little sacrificial lamb to the gods.

I told my husband (25f) that he could really invite anyone but I forgot that would include his weird cousin Jesus (33m) and his mother, Mary (40-ishf and who arguably started this whole thing, but I’ll get to that later). Jesus has always been kind of a show-off — dude has a little cult of personality or something. I don’t really pay attention to it because I’m working on myself — but I let it go because for some reason my husband really thinks his cousin is the best thing since unleavened bread and I just wanted to make him happy.

So the wedding’s going great and Jesus is (typically) late (his dad made our chuppah tho, he’s cool), which is fine because I was already pretty tipsy and doing the hora my bridesmaid started. Then the caterers came up to me saying I had violated our contract by bringing outside drinks and was liable for a penalty four times the initial cost.

I was shocked because I DEFINITELY didn’t violate our contract, but then some idiot brings me this stone jar filled with wine.

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